Villains Week: Your evil laugh

So you have finally taken the first steps to evildom. But you know what? You still have a long way to go. How are you going to walk around destroying things if no body takes you seriously? This is why you need an evil laugh. Your evil laugh is what makes you who you are. It is the thing that sends chills down any human's spine. Without it, you are nothing. You should think of your evil laugh as your right hand man. After all, it cheers you up, gives you confidence, and is just slightly less cool than you are. It is the perfect companion. But now you may be thinking, "how in the world do I find MY laugh?". Well this is the place to go, my monster in training. I will teach you how to find your laugh in a few easy steps. Just follow them.

STEP ONE: You must first pick the beginning of your laugh. The beginning of your laugh cannot be more than three syllables long. It must end with a vowel that has a short sound, like "Ah." It must start with a hard consonant and be memorable. It is not recommended that you go with the generic, "myha, or HA", because we have heard them all before. Here is some choices for you: Gyah, Google, kyah, Foo, and Wizaha.
Note how most of these end with the, "Ah" sound. This is because it is easy for you to go to the next step.

STEP TWO: Now that you have found your beginning, you must have the middle. The middle of a laugh is a repeated sound that goes on for about three times before ceasing. It should be one syllable. Sounds like, AH, LA, GOO, HEE, and KEH, are good choices. After shouting the first part of your laugh, say your second until you run out of oxygen or feel pleased with yourself.

STEP THREE: You can add an end as well. This is optional. All you have to do is end your laugh with a hard sound like K, or M.

STEP FOUR: Pronunciation. Take a deep breath. You are ready for this. You have chosen all of your components. If you have not, do so now. I will wait...

...Okay now? Here we go. Inhale, if you can, relax your throat muscles for maximum evilness. Now gurgle out the first part of your laugh slowly, like this: MYHAA...
Now add the second part rapidly and efficiently: HAHAHAHAHA! Now end it with your ending, or just stop whenever you feel like it. Are you ready for the test run. Go and laugh!

Good job! I'm so proud of you! You have discovered your inner laugh. But be warned, don't use the laugh too much or you will succumb to a very deadly disease. It is called evillaughiadosis, and it is lethal. It comes from frequently laughing. Eventually, the evilness and lack of oxygen gets to your brain, and it shuts down. If you don't know, if your brain can't breathe it dies, so be careful about this. But don't get too worried about it. You will do fine. Until next time.

Villainy Week: How to BE evil.

So you have finally decided that you want to be evil. Have you become fed up with work at the office? Have you decided that you are too good for anyone else? Or are you just plain mean to start with and you don't know what to do with yourself? Whatever your answer, you have come to the right place. You may think you're evil now, but you would be surprised on what it takes. You can't just walk outside and declare your evilness to the world-oh no. You have to have guts, determination, and a good sense of style. (All villains must dress better than the heroes, of course)And to start it off, you must first know the Rules of Evil. If you don't follow these, how can you expect to rule the world with an iron fist?

RULE NUMBER ONE: I am evil, therefore I am not nice. If anyone says otherwise, I will slap them.

RULE NUMBER TWO: I am witty and clever. I shall always have to make witty lines ahead of time and categorize them to various situations, that way I will always have something clever to say when I manage to capture my nemesis.

RULE NUMBER THREE: I am well dressed. Just because the hero walks in shirtless with his hair mussed and a lipstick mark on his cheek doesn't mean I have to do the same. After all, I am not perfectly shaped like he is and I don't have washboard abs to show off. I will wear modest and preferably black clothing. If I am female, leather would be more applicable.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: I am smarter than anyone else. I shall make my plans inexplicably complicated and intelligent. I will not fall to the level of just shooting someone if I can kill him with a much more complicated method. If I encounter someone whom I wish to destroy, I shall tell him my magnificent plan. If he doesn't understand it, it's not because I don't understand the plan myself, it's just because he's never heard of Yoogoplutonium before. After all, I don't make things up, I'm just too smart for you.

RULE NUMBER FIVE: Since I will have followers, I will select a few to be my minions. They must be dumber than I am, but not irrevocably stupid. They must wear black, as it is a symbol of my evil, and it would be preferred if I don't have to know their names. I shall just call them all, "Minion".

RULE NUMBER SIX: I have a good sense of humor. Just because my nemesis hates my guts and frowns all the time doesn't mean I have to frown too. I shall always have an evil grin on my face and sadistically laugh every time the hero does something stupid. My laugh shall be menacing and scary, and scare the living heck out of anyone that gets in my path. If the roll their eyes every time I laugh, it is not because they are tired of it, it's because they hate it so much they wish I would stop. So I will laugh some more.

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And so there is the introduction to evil. If you ever feel lost it would be best to look back here and read to show what evil is all about. Just by being evil, you are smarter and better than anyone else around you, so feel free to do whatever you want. Until next installment of Villainy Week