I think my cat is trying to kill me.

If you have ever owned a cat, you probably know what I am talking about. Cats simply are mysterious creatures because their motives are so uncertain. You never know what they are thinking about or why they are so bent on attacking your face. So what are the cat's motives for living with humans? You don't own a cat, after all. They live with you and just tolerate your existence as long as you feed them. Well, I have a theory.

I think cats are trying to kill us all.

Before you roll your eyes and exit this blog, I think you should hear me out. After all, this news could be valuable to the future of man kind.
First off, why ARE cats trying to kill us all? Well, cats think the world is better off without us. It's true, though. We throw trash on the streets, listen to unusual music at ridiculously high volumes, and we are eating all of the fish that live in our ocean. It is totally understandable why they want to kill us. So HOW will they do so?
Sure, they could construct a bio bomb and program it so it only destroys humans and wipe us all out, but that would be bad for the ecosystem. It would go against their kitty code. So they have devised another solution. They are simply going to kill us slowly, one by one.
You've seen them plotting, I'm sure. You just can't understand Kitteh. (their language of choice) So whenever you see a horrible accident about to happen, ask yourself this: "Would a kitty be able to pull this off?" You would be surprised how often the answer is "yes".

However, out of the ninety percent of kitties that are trying to kill you, there are ten percent that doesn't really care wither you live or die. These are the cats you should keep as pets. Here are some good signs that your kitten is a member of the Kitteh Kult. If your cat shows two of the signs below you should return it immediately:

Example:Your chest feels heavy after you wake up from a nights sleep.
How your Cat is trying to kill You: The cat lays on your chest in the middle of the night, effectively slowing your breathing rate and eventually suffocating you.

Example: You discover that your curtains are ripped to shreds.
How your cat is trying to kill you: A Kitteh Kult member shreds your curtains in desperate hope that you will walk into them and become suffocated by bare threads that wrap around your throat.

Example: Your cat tries to stop you from going out to town with your friends and hang out with it instead.
HYCITTKY: Your cat is trying to ruin you social life, thereby making you lonely and depressed.Suicide is only a few months away if you fall into this trap.

Example: Your cat licks herself all of the time.
HYCITTKY: Cat saliva contains a slight amount of a toxin called "Kitteh Spitt". She is hoping that eventually you will some how ingest the toxin and die.
Solution: After your kitty licks herself, don't touch her for thirty minutes. The toxin has a short life.

These were just a few reasons on how your cat is trying to kill you. As long as you recognize these signs you will be fine. Just use common sense and you should be able to survive. Until then, drink plenty of water, and remember to get your cats spayed or neutered. Until the Kitty Apocalypse.