Tales of a Knave: Chapter One, Part One

{Well guys, remember when I promised there would be a time where I would write a story about a lad named K'nave? Well, that time has come! I can not promise anything good, but I hope you won't find it too dull. 


PS. I am SO making this up as I go.} 


Tales of a Knave

Chapter One, Part One

"Good evening, boy."

"Good evening, Spot," K'nave replied to the giant head that floated in front of him. The head was about the size of four normal craniums, appearing somewhat human, with large pointed teeth and beady black eyes. It breathed black plumes of smoke that twisted around K'nave's ankles. K'nave figured Spot used the smoke for arms, since Spot lacked appendages of his own, even though his ears were quite maneuverable. "Lovely night for a dream, isn't it?" 

"Yes, I suppose," Spot answered. The giant floating head sighed as if he had better things to do than talk to a  teenager. "Come, let's float and talk." The two floated across a giant abyss of black that was deeper than a man could measure. It had roads that led over it, but the roads were made of solidified rainbows, and Spot found the pink unicorns that trotted on them unsightly. They floated past the roads instead. K'nave caught a butterfly made of butter and fly parts and let it perch on his finger as they glided across the darkness. 

"So, what do you have to say to me, Spot?" K'nave questioned absently as he searched the horizon for pink unicorns. Spot shook his head.

"Only what I say in this dream every Tuesday, K'nave. Usually, when an all-powerful spirit comes to a hero's dreams, they only have to deliver the prophesy once. The heroes don't have to understand the dream completely, but they should at least understand that something dramatic is going to happen -- " 

"Look, a rainbow!" K'nave exclaimed. 

"There's always a rainbow. Now listen to me -- "

"Whoa! The sun is smiling down at me again," K'nave shouted.

Spot let out a roar that sounded like a dragon's and floated in front of K'nave's face. Spot's hair lashed around and flicked the boy's shoulders. The black smoke turned into fire that made the unicorns run away and melted the butterfly.

"That's it! I have given you the same dream eight times! Eight! And still I have to say the same things over again. Of all the naive heroes....How about a little gratitude, eh, little boy? I'm telling you your future. And now I'm telling you again: When you turn sixteen, which is this morning, your destiny begins. Your decisions will change the fate of the world. You and your comrades will combat evil. Yadda yadda yadda...ultimate destiny...etc. Get it?"

K'nave blinked in response to Spot's speech. Slowly, he opened his mouth to speak, as if he were carefully choosing his words. Hope sprouted in Spot's metaphorical heart.

"...You know, when you start to rant like that, it's usually more poetic," K'nave said.

"Oh my spirits."

"But don't worry, Spot. I understand. Something fantastic shall happen, and I will be a part of it. Why couldn't you have told me this in person?"

Spot shrugged.

"It isn't in the Rules. Prophesies must always be told through dreams," Spot said.

K'nave became confused.

"Huh? What are the Rules?" K'nave asked, brushing the fly parts and butter off of his shoulder.

Spot smiled like he had just won a great victory.

"Yes! Finally, some confusion! Now that you actually care, I may finally leave this wretched place," Spot shouted.

"What? No! You can't leave me now! I don't understand!"

"Ha ha! So long, K'nave! And may the Rules be with you!" The fire turned back into black smoke and surrounded Spot, obscuring him. Spot began to dissipate before K'nave's eyes. K'nave tried to grab at the smoke, but it was useless. Eventually even the echo of Spot's laughter ceased, leaving K'nave alone in his dream. Silence. 

"Oh, and my name isn't Spot."


--


K'nave Smith's eyes fluttered open, but winced shut when a shaft of light from the open window blinded him. Moaning, he rolled onto his side and clumsily pulled the rough wool blanket over himself, trying to catch up on deep sleep that he always missed on Tuesdays. The images from his dream were foggy, but he supposed he got the gist of whatever Spot was trying to tell him. As far as he could tell, something totally fantastic was going to happen and there would be a path of solidified rainbows along the way. K'nave smiled at the thought.

Then he bolted up with a start. He looked out the window and gasped. The sun had already risen in the sky.

"Father!" K'nave fell out of his bed (having just awakened, it was the best he could do) and pulled on his clothes as fast as he could manage. While still pulling on his worn pants that were made of more patches than the original material, he grabbed his boots. He rushed downstairs and met his father just as the man was heading out the door. The man flashed a gigantic white smile at his son, holding two buckets of bird feed.

"K'nave! You're up late," Cooper McGee said, while sticking his feet into two massive boots.

K'nave shrugged while he took a bucket of feed from his dad.

"I know, father. I...had a strange dream."


Mr. McGee's bright expression darkened, which was a rare occurrence. Most would consider that a good thing, since the man was over six feet tall with arms that rivaled dinner plates in circumference: a single punch from him in a bad mood would knock you out for days.


"Getting up late and almost missing a ritualistic part of life? Sounds like a prophesy..." McGee mumbled to himself.


"What was that, Father?"


Mr. McGee's wide smiled returned and he headed out the door.

"Come on, son. We'd best heading out. We wouldn't want you to work all day and miss your birthday gift," he said.


K'nave grinned and followed his father out of the door, heading towards  the chicken stable.

And indeed, "stable" was the right word.



---

Do you like it? It isn't much, but I hope it caught your attention. Please leave your comments.

The Geeking: Sucker Punch Review

You guys probably don't know this, but I like over-the-top action scenes with sword and gun-wielding protagonists.

Shhh.

So that is exactly why I was excited to see the movie Sucker Punch. Just take a look at the trailer. Seemingly, all it is is over-the-top actions scenes with sword and gun-wielding protagonists. It has machine guns, dragons, girls in mini-skirts, mechs, orcs, girls flying helicopters, knights in shining armor, oni, girls dancing, steam-work operated clockmen, deranged psychos, and girls. It has all the good things. Theoretically, it is a geek's dream. And with all of these different ... elements one has to wonder how a movie like this can pull it off. So, did it?

Without spoiling this review, Sucker Punch is everything I expected it to be, yet not in a way. If this statement made no sense, perhaps I can try to explain my feelings in the following review. Then again, I'm still trying to sort them out.

From the beginning, we are thrust glaringly into the story of a young unnamed woman, who goes by the nickname Baby-Doll later on. Her mother has died of mysterious circumstances, and now Baby-Doll is left with her sister under the care of her simply evil stepfather. When the stepfather realizes that Baby-Doll's mother has left the significant wealth in her will only to her daughters and not himself, stepfather gets horribly mad. Things go awry, and without divulging anymore plot, "things happen". Eventually, as a way to get rid of Baby-Doll and get the money from his wife's will, he labels his step-daughter insane and has her put into a mental institute, where she will be lobotomized in five days. All of this plot happens within two minutes, I kid you not. It is highly stylized and artistic, and sets the remarkably dark tone for the rest of the story. After this, Baby-Doll discovers that she can find a world inside her own mind, and using this pretend world she attempts to escape the mental institute with the help of her newly found comrades before the five days are up.

Such is the premise of Sucker Punch.

PLOT: What you see is what you get with Sucker Punch. And of course, did you expect anything else? However, for a movie designed to attracted action fans, the plot is surprisingly well thought out. The transitions between fantasy and reality actually make sense, and are believable as believable can get with this kind of subject. Instead of characters just standing there and spacing out, they actually go on missions while imagining they are a part of the fantasy. It adds the to the crazy feel and adds to the suspension of belief a bit more, and I appreciate that.

As good as the transitions are, there are plot moments that disappointed me which could have been avoided. Often, the movie's director, Zach Snyder, seems to take random moments of violence or incredibly sad moments and sprinkle them through out the "reality" part of the movie. These seem to be there only for the shock factor, and unfortunately, they don't do much more than shock. Afterwards, you are left with a sense of loss, because these said moments do not progress the plot, or make it more deep, or even prove a good point. They might have been put there to increase drama, maybe, but the result is a very depressing melodrama that even the certain campiness of this movie can't pull off.

Also, some of the battle sequences drag on a bit. That's right, I said it. And I came here to watch the action scenes. While all of the mind-blowing action is fantastic, sometimes they seem to repeat themselves. Sometimes there are scenes with just the characters cutting through enemies that look exactly the same, through an area where scenery doesn't change, using the same cut and slice techniques over and over again. There are also no interesting character comments. The result is a monotonous drive through enemy after enemy that is really no different than mowing the lawn. The best action scene is actually at the beginning, where Baby-Doll is still learning how to kick butt. Afterwards everyone fights with near perfection, with the occasional "oh no, are we going to lose" moment. While the setting of the action varies, the fighting doesn't seem to change all that much, crowning moments of awesome aside.

The ending is also disappointing, because it could have been so much more. It could have been more fleshed out, but it feels cut short. It feels like the director was trying to make an in-your-face-I'm-being-different-kind of statement, but falls flat because by the end we have no more connection to the story due to all the shock factors. It isn't a bad ending, it just leaves us empty because despite the "wow", there is no though-provoking factors.

CHARACTERS:

All of the female characters are gorgeous. Interestingly enough, nearly all the men are disgusting. Perhaps this is intended to create a background where the female characters look even more gorgeous in comparison. Maybe this is because the female characters don't do much except stand around in revealing outfits and look gorgeous-sorry, run around and shoot enemies in revealing outfits while looking gorgeous. I doubt you would watch the movie looking for character development, but just in case you were, this is not the movie for you. Except for the villain Blue Jones (Oscar Isaac), the characters don't seem to change at all throughout the course of this movie. In truth, I was expecting something, but I didn't get much. With the exception of Rocket (Jena Malone) and Amber (Chung) I didn't care about the other girls a whole lot. I suppose Sweet Pea (Cornish) develops the most, but Cornish lacked the charisma to make the character come off well this time. Vanessa Hudgens' performance of Blondie is darn-right forgettable, for some odd reason. But then again Vanessa wasn't given much to do with her character in the first place. Besides this, each characters have their own charming quirks, and you can distinguish them from each other. You won't hate these characters. You just won't feel for them, either.

The most memorable character is the antagonist, Blue Jones. He is very, very evil, and he gets more evil as the story goes on, resulting in some pseudo-character development, which is a welcome breather. Isaac plays Blue incredibly well, and his is the most explosive performance of the cast.

MUSIC: The sound track is an interesting mix of remixed songs. I recognized "Sweet Dreams (Are made of this) from the beginning, and a few other classics. Each song fits the scene it's in well, and overall I enjoyed the music very much.

AGE RATING: As an extra note, I do not recommend letting kids under thirteen watch this movie. It's one of those movies that deserves a PG-13 rating. It is very dark. There are some intense moments of violence, although I'm more concerned about the whole theme of the movie. Basically all the characters are crazy gorgeous women hired to be strippers by Blue, so there are "moments". I didn't mention that. Yes, that's right.

OVERALL: Despite my qualms, this is a well-planned and well-directed movie. The action is fantastic, although since we don't care much about the characters we don't care how the action falls out. The acting is not bland at all; it is all very dramatic. Characters just weren't well-written. By the end, you'll probably feel a sense of disappointment because while the plot gets tied up, we realize that it could have been more thought-provoking, and we are stuck thinking of what could have been. The music is good. Overall, this is a thrill ride of a movie. I only wish there was more meat.

3 out of 5 stars.

Guinea Pig Escape

It is without a fathom of doubt that my guinea pigs adore me. I am their guide, their mentor, their feeder. I am their mother. Without me, they would stop breathing, because the loss of their mother would rip their heart out of their tiny chests. And so long as they are living, our love for each other will be strong enough to keep balance and harmony in our lives. It's a beautiful thing, really. Yes, Fatone and Bedhead, (Rest in peace, Helen) truly, irrevocably,absolutely, love me.

But sometimes they forget that they love me.

And then things happen.

*Rubs tailbone*

Anyway, I guess it was my fault. I was blinded by my love for my pig pigs. My petite chochons, my fat rodents, my lovely-okay, I'm sorry. I guess this all began when my guinea pigs decided to be really smelly and started stinking up the house yesterday, and my mom was all like.

"They are stinking up the house! How about you put them outside?"
And I was like,

"BUT THEY ARE TOO GENTLE AND KIND FOR THE WILDERNESS! THEY ARE TOO SLOW AND THEY LACK THE PROPER JUDGEMENT TO ALLOW THEM TO MAKE CORRECT DECISIONS LIKE WHEN THEY ENCOUNTER A PELLET OF POISON AND THEY THINK THEY SHOULD EAT IT! THERE IS A REASON THAT THEY ARE EXTINCT IN THE WILD! Oh, it's a nice day."

So I carted my guinea pigs outside onto my patio, into the sunshine. But not into too much sunshine, because guinea pigs are susceptible to heatstroke, but not too much in the shade because guinea pigs don't like frigid conditions. And I regularly checked on them, gave them plenty of water, changed the position of the cage with the movement of the sun, stroked them when they got lonely, made sure that Bedhead, who is sick, eats his food, and all of that. We were loving on each other like mad. I was bursting with love for my lovely pigs. And they were bursting with love for me! It was wonderful!

And so it was nearing the end of the day, and it was nice and pleasant, and I was just getting ready for my end day walk, when I saw that Fatone, my fattest pig, was lookin' a little bored.

ME: Ooooh, whooj a wittle bored wittle guy? Whooj feelin' a wittle down? Whooj needs a wittle fwesh air?

FATONE: Wheek.

ME: It's you! It's you!
And I figured today was the perfect day to let my pig out and let him hang around in a contained outdoor area for a little while. I wasn't worried about him leaving me, because he loves me and if someone loves you they will never leave you, so I picked him up and out of his cage. I put him on my shoulder, because that's his favorite spot, and took him over to my play set. The play set was wooden, with a small platform used to get to the slide, so I put him on that, figuring a new environment would do him nicely. He just sat there. He didn't move. He looked darn scared.

ME: OH, WHOOJ A LITTLE PIGGY? WHOOJ A LITTLE SCARED OF THE "PLAYSET"? WHOOJ NEEDS A WITTLE MORE NATURE AND LESS OF A STARK AND WOODEN BACKGROUND?

Fatone: Wheek.

ME: It's YOU! It's YOU!

So he ran into my arms and climbed up on my shoulder, and wheeked at me to let me know that he was ready to go. So I walked over to my basketball post. The ground there is worn down to the dirt, where people play most often, so it was grass-free and safe from evil grass bugs. I placed him down there gently, letting him get used to the area before stepping back and beholding him. He still didn't move. He just stood there in a very bored manner and looked at me like a teenager who looks at his mother when she brings him to Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday. So I crouched down besides him to give him friendly encouragement. So he would enjoy the fresh air a bit more.

ME: WHOOJ-A-WITTLE-SCARED-OF-THE-WORLD? DO-NOT-BE-FWIGHTENED! THIS-IS-THE-REALM-OF-YOUR-ANCESTORS! BE FWEE! BE TWOO!

And so we stared at each other, because he understood me, and wanted to share this moment.

                                     \

Fatone, my beloved guinea pig, had decided to make a run for it. He darted for the small tree behind me, going between my legs. It took me a second to realize that he had in fact he had just decided to abandon his loving mother, and when I did my reflexes were astonishingly slow. He had made it under tree by the time I turned around. The tree is short, with low hanging branches, so I had to duck as I walked quickly after him. I cooed gentle coos to my sweet rodent, hoping he would hold still long enough for me to grab him.

I lunged.

Fatone jumped out of the way and curtailed in the opposite direction, running at a speed that a cheetah would envy. No, I'm serious. Apparently guinea pigs are the fastest creatures known to man, and they just don't get a chance to show you. But he was showing me now. I started to chase after him. He stuck to the side of the massive wooden fence that divides us from the neighbors. (They put it up shortly after they realized that we were a bad influence.) He was running so fast I had run full speed to keep up with him. His long fur trailed in the wind, and the fat on his stomach lurched up and down dramatically as he tried to run away from me. I think the fat did him in, because he stopped for no reason. I took this as an opportunity to run ahead of him where the fence ended. I head behind the blind corner of the fence and waited. I couldn't see where he was but I sensed him. And when I thought he was close I jumped out from behind my fence to ambush him.

ME: HA HA! (ESTHER lands on grass in front of FATONE. Her timing was off. ESTHER feels stupid. FATONE curtails again)

So now he runs back to the stupid tree. I jog after him, wounded, but calm because Fatone loves me and people who love each other are together forever. But he was gettin' awful close to our shed, which is propped above the ground. If he hid in it, he would never come out. I ran as fast as I could and put myself between him and the shed, but he ran behind it. I followed, and upon seeing that he was running for the road that parallels my front yard, I made a desperate leap for him. I've never, ever, leaped for anything in my life. It must have been my lack of practice, because I missed. My accuracy was so terrible, that I actually landed in a mud puddle that was full of decaying berries from that tree. I bruised my arm, and Fatone was still going strong. That pig never exercised before in his life, and still was running a marathon. I felt defeated.

Then I felt scared.

What if Fatone actually got away? What would I do if my beloved rodent left my life? In my burst of annewed terror, my adreniline must have gone sky high. I dashed after him, catching up quickly. Then I leaped one last time and...

I secured him in my grasp! Holding him close to my chest, I ran all the way to the cage, put him in, and then collapsed on the patio. (Ouch, by the way) It was over. My guinea pig was saved, I was exhausted, and the world was all right again. Fatone was fine, except for a broken toenail, which bled but wasn't too bad. I,  myself, was feeling a tad emotional about the whole ordeal.

And then I realized that my guinea pigs love me, that they will always love me unless they forget, and so I don't have anything to worry about. My sister says I've brainwashed myself, but come on. Love is an okay form of brainwashing, right? Not that I'm brainwashed. I'm just loved.

So I came inside, covered in mud and blood, my knee scraped, and myself being tired as could be. But things could have been worse. Fatone could have escaped, realized that he needed me (since he forgot), and then could not find his way home. So it turned out to be an okay deal. So, I guess there's a moral here:

GUINEA PIGS RUN FAST!

With love,

Esther

An Unending Stream of Consciousness

My brain is Jello.

No, it's worse than that. It's melted Jello. It's the worst kind because you know that it can settle and be delicious (Well, to the people that like Jello, God forbid),but you have to wait until it is out of a state of liquid mush. Therefore, it is physically impossible for me to construct a blog post, at this time, that makes any sense. Ha ha! But I have to, because it's my duty. It's my calling. My honor. My LIFE! So what am I going to do? I'm going to free-write, and by golly you're going to listen! You've read my stream of consciousness before, and whether you liked it or not it's back. So, where shall I start?

Oh, I know. The smell of purple.

Gosh darn it, what does purple smell like? I mean, all the other colors have smells, right? Or at least we associate smells with the colors. Green smells acrid, red smells like blood, blue smells like seawater, and yellow smells like the inside of a school bus, but purple doesn't have a smell! I wish I could think of something it would smell like, but all I can think of are rips in the space time continuum. (They're purple, don'tcha know?) and they don't have a smell. What are we supposed to do, people? Journey to another realm and find a smell for purple? Through a rip in the space-time continuum? On a pony? Or a donkey? Or both? A hybrid? In one? That's a thought. Donkeys riding through a space time continuum with me tagging along sounds like a brilliant adventure indeed. Speaking of adventures, I've been trying to learn how to draw a little story. BUT STORIES ARE HARD! Drawing takes up so much time. In the time that it takes to draw one picture, I could write two chapters out. But I'm going to stick with my story, no matter how slow it goes, because K'nave, the stories protagonist, must be heard. Drawing is haaard. And the extent of my skills is one up a stick figure, literally.

Huh, literally.

Have you ever wondered why people put "literally" at the end of their sentences? Like "I swallowed a frog, literally". It doesn't make any sense, really. We already know that what you are saying is fact, so why do you have to add the extra four syllables? That takes space. With the time spared from saying "literally", you could move on to say, "My pink pants burn" or "Waffles taste good" Imagine all that time saved...It kind of makes me sad, literally.

...

It might be hard to break that habit. Speaking of habits, I have a couple that are worth mentioning. For one, I'm an excessive finger and foot tapper. Some people may find it rude, but it relieves stress for me. Another habit is my need to create fantabulous words. It's simply ludyfibious! You may not like my fake words, but remember that in the future when I rule the world, they will be a part of your society! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 


Ruling the world would be a lot of work, but it's better having me doing it anyway. Right now the world needs painted like the rainbow, because all the history we tell is in black in white. If that doesn't make sense, think of ...Magneto! Yeah! The man in X-men! He totally is considered a "black", as in evil character, but he's actually a rainbow. He is really deep, with motives and causes for his reasoning. Everybody is a rainbow. Even Santa Claus. Kind of makes me want to sing a song...

Everybody's a rainbow
everyone's more than just black or white
everybody's a rainbow
and we're all different, but that's all right!

We gotta ignore the extremes
and view things on how we perceive
even if they are just stupid things
like if it's all right to drink beer on Christmas eve

Okay, that didn't make any sense. Where was I?

I think I was talking about waffles, right?

Well, I'm sure you're tired of listening to me blab, so behold this unedited post of glory as a sort of filler for the more magnificent things to come. And remember: Santa is watching you.

Esther "Very Uninspired" P.

I've Been a Knave...(Tales of a Knave)

Oh would you lookie here...I updated! *waves* I owe you no apology. Well, actually I do, but since you've heard me apologize so often that I figured you would just roll your eyes. Like you're doing now.

Stop that!

Anyway, I know that I need to blog more, so I decided to make a pact with a good friend of mine. He has a blog too, (http://101zombiekills.blogspot.com/) so we decided that whenever one of us updates, the other person will have to update too. I wanted to have horrible bloody battles of the tongue and call our little project "Blog Wars", but nooo. So we left it at the original idea. And he updated just now, and it was a great post, and gosh darn it I have a good post too! I have so many ideas that I'm practically dripping them from my nose. I'm snotting ideas.

...

Oh what am I saying? Of course I don't have any good ideas. I spent about fifteen minutes slapping my face with a wooden spoon trying to find something that would make you guys laugh. I was going to make you people cry tears of liquefied laughter. Finally, I gave up. So I doodled. I doodled something fantastic.

I doodled a picture of a guy on a chicken.

(DISCLAIMER TO THE HATER: Now, if this man on this fine chicken resembles any man you know, you are wrong. Do not pay attention to the camo pants or the regal and handsome nose.They do not hint to this person's sense of style. Moving on. )

So, I was like, "Hmm, maybe I can do something with this guy on this chicken." Maybe tell a story about this guy on this chicken? He looks like a knave. Why is a knave riding on a chicken? Maybe he's having an adventure? Maybe even telling tales about it? Tales of a Knave? OMG.

So I doodled again. Behold.

Isn't it beautiful? Yes, I know. Obviously, the man on this chicken has a story. If only someone who was willing to spend countless hours bringing his story spontaneously to life would appear. Oh, who could this wonderful person be?

What, me?
....
No, I couldn't possibly. His story, too epic, his chicken, too resplendent!
....
I don't like drawing pictures anyway, unless you expect me to crank them out at a horribly fast rate, rendering the quality of his story incomprehensible.
...
You do? Well, that's not very kind. *cries*
...
Oh, I know! Why don't I have the man who this story is about write his story? He has no good sense of humor, his art skills are worse than mine, and he smells like fried orc! Introducing, K'nave!

K'NAVE: I do not smell like fried orc!

ME: Will you tell your story to us, K'nave?

K'NAVE: Well, I would have to wait a few years to tell you. To tell my life story I'll have to be old, drunk, and holed up in a tavern. . .But I guess I can tell you if you want.

ME: Oh yes, oh yes!

K'NAVE: Very well....

ME: Oh yes, start telling us now!

K'nave: Where to begin? Oh yes, I remember. My name is K'nave Windrider, because last names in my country must be made of a weather element and a verb, and my story started when I was sixteen....

Feeling special!

I'm feeling kind of special right now. I have been up and down with how much I've written lately-my nary updated blog is an example of that. I've been in an editing kind of mood, so I stumbled upon a fairy tale that I wrote a while back. I saw that there was a writing contest going on that had a theme "mythos", and I thought my fairy tale would be perfect for that if I edited it up a bit. The place that hosted the contest is Steward House Publishing, and they have regular contests. Anyway, I edited my story and submitted it RIGHT before the deadline. I'm serious, there were only ten minutes left before the contest was closed! The results were posted the next day (as the judging goes on throughout the week)

Annnndddd...

I got Editor's Choice! Yes! I'm so happy! When I submitted I thought I wouldn't get anything at all, but I did! They said they liked my story a lot. I'm so happy! Here is the link to the page with all the winners!

http://www.stewardhouse.com/contests/

I hate to leave this post short, but now I must proceed to dance off into the sunset. *begins to poka*

Esther "She's a winner!" P.

A Blog Post Nobody Cares About.

 In my limited life experience, I have noticed that there are three topics of conversation that the normal, caring human being tends to avoid in order to maintain a good social status with his or her friends. Often, when you go on these subjects, the person to whom you brought it up with undoubtedly will get either angry, defensive, opinionated, or bored. These topics are politics, religion, and that one dream that you had last night. However offensive the first two topics can be, there are people that simply love to talk about that stuff. But I am sure that I have never, EVER, found more than one person who was actually interested in the dream I had last night, no matter how awesome my dream was.

This makes me sad. I love sharing my dreams-if they are sharable, *cough*- with anyone who will listen. But no one really does, strangely. Even if someone agrees to listen to your dream, you are bound to get some restless foot-tapping if you don't conclude you dream in thirty seconds. This goes with most people I have met. I am sure that you don't like hearing about dreams either, do you? I bet you don't want to hear about my dream.

Well, tough kumquats.

You see, our house endured one heck of an ice storm yesterday. I am glad that no one I knew got hurt, although some of my friends lost electricity. Anyway, the branches of a tree that hangs outside my room froze over, and then proceeded to drip ice on my bedroom window all night in an erratic, very loud manner. So I slept restlessly. And when I sleep restlessly...I dream...I had three dreams. All of my dreams took place in the same city that was also being attacked by aliens, but no one noticed for some reason. And now I will share one of my dreams with you.  Now you know what I meant when I say this is a post no one will care about.

THE DREAM
(I saw this one in third person. That is, I wasn't in it)

I'm pretty sure that his name was Riley and that he wanted to be Santa Claus. Why, I have no clue. The fact that he wore a red hat constantly and said, "Ho Ho Ho!" tipped me off. One day, around Christmas, Riley wrote a note to Santa Claus asking if he could have a battery-run sleigh so he could act like Santa Claus. Santa Claus wrote him back, and he said something along these lines.

Dear Riley,

No. I will not give you a sleigh. You have been a bad boy. I only give sleighs to good boys. Be a good boy and I will give you a sleigh.

Satan Clause

Santa Claus

PS. I misspelled my name, sorry.

PPS. I think I mispelled "mispelled".

Riley was not a boy really. He was, in fact, thirty something years old. Still, this ridiculously simple note from Santa broke his little man heart, so he decided to start acting like a good boy. He walked to the nearest gas station and began to open doors for strangers. He did this for hours. I watched him do this for hours. Eventually, he felt the need to open all the doors for everyone. He was running from door to door, helping people that didn't actually need help, and actually getting in their way. I began to get tired from watching him. Eventually, he collapsed on the floor. Still, all this work pleased Santa, so Santa appeared in a flash of light.

"You are a good boy!" Santa Claus said. "You get batteries and a sleigh!"
"BATTERIES?!" Riley screamed. Riley loved batteries.

"Yes! Here are batteries!"

"BATTERIES?!"

"BATTERIES!"

"BATTERIES?!"
Santa Claus, with a dramatic wave, created a cornucopia of batteries. He also went through what each battery was in excrutiating detail. Finally, Santa disapeared, leaving Riley with his batteries. Riley never got his sleigh. Riley didn't care though, because he was still rolling around screaming, "BATTERIES!?"

---

So yeah...that was my third dream. It was also my shortest so I thought I would share it with you. My others were considerably more epic, so unless you are interested I won't share them. But what do you think about my dream? Does it make you want to cry or fall asleep? Both? Got to love the comments, yo.

Esther "BATTERIES?!" P

My animals are special.

           I was reading yesterday when I heard a thump, followed by a rapid tappity tappity tap! Alarmed, I put my book down and looked up just in time to see my cat Tifa jump over my head and land on the floor. Perhaps "land" is a strong word. More like, "lost balance and fell on her side". Aren't cats supposed to land on their feet? After that, Tifa started to run off. Maybe "run" isn't the best word either. A good metaphor, which is the only way to describe her movements, would be "trotted off like an innocent gazelle who failed her dexterity roll". This brings another question: Aren't cats suppose to run like, well, cats? Cats do not go tappity tappity tap! At least, not in my experience.

While I was getting over the fact that my cat may have issues, I went to check on my guinea pigs. My cage is constructed of many different levels, and the guinea pigs were at the top with their food dish. Upon seeing me, the guinea pigs wheeeeked in an overall dramatic fashion. Wheek, as you know from my previous post, means "FOOOD" or something like that. So I started to get the pigs food. But it wasn't fast enough for them, oh no, so my guinea pigs started getting violent. Fatone, my eldest pig, picked up the food bowl in his mouth and threw it off the platform. Bedhead, the rebel, started biting the bars of the cage so furiously that I thought his teeth would fall off. It made me stand back and think. Aren't guinea pigs supposed to be, well, somewhat intelligent? By now you would think they would be smart enough to realize that they get food faster by not thrusting their only food bowl off top level. So I came to a conclusion.

Maybe my guinea pigs aren't guinea pigs at all. Maybe my cat isn't a cat at all. Maybe my pets are a whole new type of species that have never been discovered before, and I have had the fortune to discover them. It would explain why my "guinea pigs" are so...special (In a lovable and adorable, but infuriating way) and why my "cat" has no agility and licks the floor like it's ambrosia. That is why, my friends, I studied my animals and classified them. I'm sure my discovery will make me famous for sure. After all, new species are a big deal. So, without further ado, my new species!


ANIMAL COMMON NAME: Tifa the Cat
SCIENTIFICAL NAME: Cattis Gazellius
INTELLIGENCE: Moderate to Stupid
AVERAGE LIFESPAN: Depends. If a Cattis Gazellius ever manages to get outside, then it will die in about thirty seconds.
TEMPERAMENT: Rapidly changes from loving and kind to antagonistic and brutal.
DIET: Carnivore that enjoys preying on small children.

NOTES: Cattus Gazellius is special in that, while it is related to a cat, lacks the basic feline instincts that every cat should have. It does manage to retain, however, an aggressive to murderous attitude to young children, curtains, and feet. Feet are its main prey, but human faces are a welcome alternative to a Tifa. Tifa will hunt by hiding in completely conspicuous places, but she'll think she's invisible to the human eye. While this makes her easy to counter before she strikes, it does get annoying after a while. As a side note, a Tifa seems to go through violent mood swings; being a jerk bag in the mornings, somewhat docile in the afternoons, and down right freaky towards night fall. Tifas hate the smell of fat rodents.

ANIMAL COMMON NAME: Humbles (Fatone and Bedhead)
SCIENTIFICAL NAME: Humbless Fattus.
INTELLIGENCE: Unfortunately stupid
AVERAGE LIFE SPAN: Unknown. Possibly immortal.
TEMPERAMENT: Varies depending on how hungry they are. If they have gone without food for more than three hours, attitude can change to desperate and they will begin to thrust objects and each other off of platforms. (Luckily, the bedding is soft)
DIET: Supposedly vegetarian, but recent studies suggest possible omnivorous tendencies.

NOTES: Two variations of the species Humbless Fattus have been discovered, but they are similar enough to put into the same classification of animal. (I'm not exactly scientifical here.) Humbles have two distinct qualities that make them special: Their humbleness and their trueness. They never brag and they never tell a lie, however they can be mischievous. Don't leave the latch that hooks a water bottle to the cage lying around, because a humble, especially a Fatone variety, will steal it and bury it and turn around just in time to snicker at you. Humbles love high places and try to climb as high as they can.
Their favorite place is on a human shoulder.

Humbles are unfortunately slow witted, and it takes them a while to respond to things. Studies show if you drop a quarter in front of a humble's face, it will take about three seconds for the guinea pig to realize it is there. Also, if a humble is staring at you and you move from its field of vision, it will continue to stare at the same spot until it realizes that you have moved. It will then proceed to slowly turn its head until it faces you again. Humbles love chewing on inedible objects and eating them as if they were edible. Humbles are also incredibly smelly before their bath, and they use their smell to detract preditors.

---

Aren't my animals special? I certainly think so! Even if they are weird, I still love them. I just won't ever stare at my tifa for too long or give my humbles meat.

Esther "Scientifical" P.

A Whole New Looook!

 Hello ladies and gents! Esther P. here to bring some news! In case you haven't noticed yet, A Very Random Pickle now has a new look! 

(The crowd ooohs and looks around)

Eh, eh? Nice, huh? I was looking at my blog the other day and realized that it looked kind of patchy, so I decided to mess with the template design a little. It hasn't changed that much, but I think the whole page flows nicer now! The color scheme is more fancy without losing any of its warty, pickly, goodness. Pierre le Pickel looks like he actually belongs on the page, isn't that right Pierre?

PIERRE: RAWR!

See, he likes it. How do you like your new home, Pierre?

PIERRE: MY HAT ITCHES!

Wow, I had no idea that you loved it so much Pierre.

PIERRE: RAWR! 

I am proud of myself. I think it looks pretty good. And it was easy to pull off, too. I am most proud of my links! I made it so that the links actually change color, oh my goodness. If you click it, it changes color, and if you hover over the link, it turns into another color! Yeah, links! I'll show you a link...I'll give you a link, yeah. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socks

Did it work? Did my link work?! *Jumps*

Maybe I should give you ladies and gents a tour. To your left and right you'll see the side of my blog, which are two big strips of green. I picked green because it is the color of pickles and of Ireland. See my fancy blog post text? I changed the font and the color so it flows better. And notice how Pierre is floating on air! Before, he was just a guy in a square. And also, look at the nifty date box right above my post. I made that green too. 

...Well, that's it.

So, what do you think of the new look? Like it? Hate it? Any comments are welcome!

Esther "Color Coding Her Links" P.

People to People: A New Experience

Basically, I'm very lucky. I'm going to tell you why.

Some of you may know this, but I'm going to brief you anyway. Recently, I was accepted into the People to People Student Ambassador Program, and I am very excited to be an Ambassador!

The Student Ambassador Program is about promoting peace between cultures. American students are sent to other countries as ambassadors representing our country to its fullest, creating bonds between America and other countries. While on the program, students will interact with the people they visit in other countries, take part in cultural activities, immerse themselves in that country's history, and overall have a very deep intellectual and emotional experience. People to People was founded by our former president Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1956, and the organization is still going strong today. That's just a little of the basic information, but you can find some more at the website here if you are interested(!) : http://www.peopletopeople.com/AboutUs/Pages/OurHeritage.aspx

People to People is somewhat exclusive and you can only be a part if you are nominated and pass the interview process. I got the invitation in the mail and about two months later I was interviewed. A day later I was called and told that I passed and I was now a Student Ambassador! (And the confetti rains) I will be going on a nineteen day trip to Europe this summer with twenty-three other students from the Illinois and Indiana area. On the trip we will be going to six different countries: England, Ireland, France, Belgium, Whales, and the Netherlands. That's a lot of land mass! Everyday is going to be jam packed with activities, and I simply can't wait. Especially for Ireland, which holds a special place in my Irish heart. Okay, I'm not Irish, but I wish I was.

I'm looking forward to the learning experience most. I've never been outside the country, let alone without my family. I'm going to be forced to be in charge of my own luggage, think more for myself, and spend my money wisely. (But I'm still going to buy a miniature Eiffel Tower.) I'm going to meet so many people and learn how to do new things, even something like rappelling down a castle wall! I am looking forward to the friendship opportunities as well. Not only with my delegation but with people I meet in other countries. Just thinking about it makes me slightly nervous, but I'm more excited than anything else. There is just one minor setback.

The trip is expensive.

Well, I'm sure you expected that. After all it is a big trip. Still, my family is not the richest. The trip alone costs 7,500 dollars. This does not include the stuff I have to buy for the trip, such as a passport and new clothing. (People to People has a stern dress code, and while I own nothing that would upset them, they don't recommend jeans or shorts so I'll need new pants.  The pants must be lower than the knee!) I'll need spending money, a new backpack, a camera or at least a phone with a camera, and some other things as well. That's a lot of money for a simple folk like me. So what is a humble gal like me to do?

I'ma gonna fund raise my little tootie off, of course.

I already have a few ideas going. I'm babysitting a friend's child for money (does anyone need a kid sat?) I applied for a P2P scholarship that could really help me out. I'm going to go to businesses in search of sponsorships. I'll work for the sponsorships if they need help. I'm crocheting scarves to sell for money for the trip, and I'm going to sell other things as well, such as giant tubs of cookie dough. I'm going to try to set up a donation site so I can ask people to simply donate to my cause. It's easy to just click and donate. It's going to be hard work, but I know I will be able to do it. I am determined to work hard for every cent. The trip wouldn't be as fun knowing that I didn't work for it. Knowing that I earned my trip will make it fantastic. I'm pretty sure that People to People will change my life forever. I'll grow so much.

I just wanted people to know what I'm doing, just in case I suddenly disappear for nineteen days without warning! I'm also asking for people's support. I don't have a donation site up yet but once I do any amount donated would be great. But most importantly, I like to know that people are behind me saying "Hey girlfriend, you can do it, yo,", or "you get that country!" or something like that. If you have any fundraising ideas, that's today's comment box theme! Type those comments! Type em!

So, anyone want a scarf?

Esther "Funding Her Tootie Off" P.

She Breathes!

For those who thought I was dead, I am in fact breathing. And after a ridiculously long hiatus I have returned to the fabled keyboard to continue to assault you with all of the trivialities of my life. Rejoice! Dance with one shoe off and the other in the refrigerator!      
                                                       
I'm sure there are people who are wondering where the heck I went. I thought I would be able to share my NaNo experience with you all, but in truth, blogging and noveling at the same time is HARD. I found that I couldn't do both. In fact, I completely forgot about my blog. After I finished my novel (THAT'S RIGHT! FINISHED IT!) I didn't want to write anymore for a while. I think I had writeridosis or something. (Writoridosis, WD for short, is a serious medical problem by the way. Don't look it up.) And now, I am back and technically stronger than ever sense I worked out yesterday. (PUN!) So, that's my excuse for not blogging. Do you like it?

You better.

So now I shall start trying to write in this blog of mine more. Maybe three times a week. Although maybe not considering I run out of topics absurdly fast. That is why I am making this filler post with nothing in it except ramblings and clever witisisms contained within parenthesis. (Here's another one.) I can assure you though that I will work hard to keep my baby (that's my blog) up and running for goodish. (that's like forever, except not really.)

So this introductory post comes to an end. I hope to give you all some very random pickles in the future. In addition, thanks to the readers who actually kept reading, even though I abandoned them and didn't post anything new for months. This message goes to my favorite Ds, Zs, Ms, and whomever I forgot to mention. I love you all. Happy birthday and merry Christmas.

Esther "Picklemeiser" P.

PS. If people have theme week ideas, I'll take em! I seem to handle those well! Share your ideas and comments in the wonderful comment box.