My animals are special.

           I was reading yesterday when I heard a thump, followed by a rapid tappity tappity tap! Alarmed, I put my book down and looked up just in time to see my cat Tifa jump over my head and land on the floor. Perhaps "land" is a strong word. More like, "lost balance and fell on her side". Aren't cats supposed to land on their feet? After that, Tifa started to run off. Maybe "run" isn't the best word either. A good metaphor, which is the only way to describe her movements, would be "trotted off like an innocent gazelle who failed her dexterity roll". This brings another question: Aren't cats suppose to run like, well, cats? Cats do not go tappity tappity tap! At least, not in my experience.

While I was getting over the fact that my cat may have issues, I went to check on my guinea pigs. My cage is constructed of many different levels, and the guinea pigs were at the top with their food dish. Upon seeing me, the guinea pigs wheeeeked in an overall dramatic fashion. Wheek, as you know from my previous post, means "FOOOD" or something like that. So I started to get the pigs food. But it wasn't fast enough for them, oh no, so my guinea pigs started getting violent. Fatone, my eldest pig, picked up the food bowl in his mouth and threw it off the platform. Bedhead, the rebel, started biting the bars of the cage so furiously that I thought his teeth would fall off. It made me stand back and think. Aren't guinea pigs supposed to be, well, somewhat intelligent? By now you would think they would be smart enough to realize that they get food faster by not thrusting their only food bowl off top level. So I came to a conclusion.

Maybe my guinea pigs aren't guinea pigs at all. Maybe my cat isn't a cat at all. Maybe my pets are a whole new type of species that have never been discovered before, and I have had the fortune to discover them. It would explain why my "guinea pigs" are so...special (In a lovable and adorable, but infuriating way) and why my "cat" has no agility and licks the floor like it's ambrosia. That is why, my friends, I studied my animals and classified them. I'm sure my discovery will make me famous for sure. After all, new species are a big deal. So, without further ado, my new species!


ANIMAL COMMON NAME: Tifa the Cat
SCIENTIFICAL NAME: Cattis Gazellius
INTELLIGENCE: Moderate to Stupid
AVERAGE LIFESPAN: Depends. If a Cattis Gazellius ever manages to get outside, then it will die in about thirty seconds.
TEMPERAMENT: Rapidly changes from loving and kind to antagonistic and brutal.
DIET: Carnivore that enjoys preying on small children.

NOTES: Cattus Gazellius is special in that, while it is related to a cat, lacks the basic feline instincts that every cat should have. It does manage to retain, however, an aggressive to murderous attitude to young children, curtains, and feet. Feet are its main prey, but human faces are a welcome alternative to a Tifa. Tifa will hunt by hiding in completely conspicuous places, but she'll think she's invisible to the human eye. While this makes her easy to counter before she strikes, it does get annoying after a while. As a side note, a Tifa seems to go through violent mood swings; being a jerk bag in the mornings, somewhat docile in the afternoons, and down right freaky towards night fall. Tifas hate the smell of fat rodents.

ANIMAL COMMON NAME: Humbles (Fatone and Bedhead)
SCIENTIFICAL NAME: Humbless Fattus.
INTELLIGENCE: Unfortunately stupid
AVERAGE LIFE SPAN: Unknown. Possibly immortal.
TEMPERAMENT: Varies depending on how hungry they are. If they have gone without food for more than three hours, attitude can change to desperate and they will begin to thrust objects and each other off of platforms. (Luckily, the bedding is soft)
DIET: Supposedly vegetarian, but recent studies suggest possible omnivorous tendencies.

NOTES: Two variations of the species Humbless Fattus have been discovered, but they are similar enough to put into the same classification of animal. (I'm not exactly scientifical here.) Humbles have two distinct qualities that make them special: Their humbleness and their trueness. They never brag and they never tell a lie, however they can be mischievous. Don't leave the latch that hooks a water bottle to the cage lying around, because a humble, especially a Fatone variety, will steal it and bury it and turn around just in time to snicker at you. Humbles love high places and try to climb as high as they can.
Their favorite place is on a human shoulder.

Humbles are unfortunately slow witted, and it takes them a while to respond to things. Studies show if you drop a quarter in front of a humble's face, it will take about three seconds for the guinea pig to realize it is there. Also, if a humble is staring at you and you move from its field of vision, it will continue to stare at the same spot until it realizes that you have moved. It will then proceed to slowly turn its head until it faces you again. Humbles love chewing on inedible objects and eating them as if they were edible. Humbles are also incredibly smelly before their bath, and they use their smell to detract preditors.

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Aren't my animals special? I certainly think so! Even if they are weird, I still love them. I just won't ever stare at my tifa for too long or give my humbles meat.

Esther "Scientifical" P.