Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Guinea Pig Escape

It is without a fathom of doubt that my guinea pigs adore me. I am their guide, their mentor, their feeder. I am their mother. Without me, they would stop breathing, because the loss of their mother would rip their heart out of their tiny chests. And so long as they are living, our love for each other will be strong enough to keep balance and harmony in our lives. It's a beautiful thing, really. Yes, Fatone and Bedhead, (Rest in peace, Helen) truly, irrevocably,absolutely, love me.

But sometimes they forget that they love me.

And then things happen.

*Rubs tailbone*


Anyway, I guess it was my fault. I was blinded by my love for my pig pigs. My petite chochons, my fat rodents, my lovely-okay, I'm sorry. I guess this all began when my guinea pigs decided to be really smelly and started stinking up the house yesterday, and my mom was all like.

"They are stinking up the house! How about you put them outside?"
And I was like,

"BUT THEY ARE TOO GENTLE AND KIND FOR THE WILDERNESS! THEY ARE TOO SLOW AND THEY LACK THE PROPER JUDGEMENT TO ALLOW THEM TO MAKE CORRECT DECISIONS LIKE WHEN THEY ENCOUNTER A PELLET OF POISON AND THEY THINK THEY SHOULD EAT IT! THERE IS A REASON THAT THEY ARE EXTINCT IN THE WILD! Oh, it's a nice day."

So I carted my guinea pigs outside onto my patio, into the sunshine. But not into too much sunshine, because guinea pigs are susceptible to heatstroke, but not too much in the shade because guinea pigs don't like frigid conditions. And I regularly checked on them, gave them plenty of water, changed the position of the cage with the movement of the sun, stroked them when they got lonely, made sure that Bedhead, who is sick, eats his food, and all of that. We were loving on each other like mad. I was bursting with love for my lovely pigs. And they were bursting with love for me! It was wonderful!

And so it was nearing the end of the day, and it was nice and pleasant, and I was just getting ready for my end day walk, when I saw that Fatone, my fattest pig, was lookin' a little bored.

ME: Ooooh, whooj a wittle bored wittle guy? Whooj feelin' a wittle down? Whooj needs a wittle fwesh air?

FATONE: Wheek.

ME: It's you! It's you!
And I figured today was the perfect day to let my pig out and let him hang around in a contained outdoor area for a little while. I wasn't worried about him leaving me, because he loves me and if someone loves you they will never leave you, so I picked him up and out of his cage. I put him on my shoulder, because that's his favorite spot, and took him over to my play set. The play set was wooden, with a small platform used to get to the slide, so I put him on that, figuring a new environment would do him nicely. He just sat there. He didn't move. He looked darn scared.

ME: OH, WHOOJ A LITTLE PIGGY? WHOOJ A LITTLE SCARED OF THE "PLAYSET"? WHOOJ NEEDS A WITTLE MORE NATURE AND LESS OF A STARK AND WOODEN BACKGROUND?

Fatone: Wheek.

ME: It's YOU! It's YOU!

So he ran into my arms and climbed up on my shoulder, and wheeked at me to let me know that he was ready to go. So I walked over to my basketball post. The ground there is worn down to the dirt, where people play most often, so it was grass-free and safe from evil grass bugs. I placed him down there gently, letting him get used to the area before stepping back and beholding him. He still didn't move. He just stood there in a very bored manner and looked at me like a teenager who looks at his mother when she brings him to Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday. So I crouched down besides him to give him friendly encouragement. So he would enjoy the fresh air a bit more.

ME: WHOOJ-A-WITTLE-SCARED-OF-THE-WORLD? DO-NOT-BE-FWIGHTENED! THIS-IS-THE-REALM-OF-YOUR-ANCESTORS! BE FWEE! BE TWOO!

And so we stared at each other, because he understood me, and wanted to share this moment.





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Fatone, my beloved guinea pig, had decided to make a run for it. He darted for the small tree behind me, going between my legs. It took me a second to realize that he had in fact he had just decided to abandon his loving mother, and when I did my reflexes were astonishingly slow. He had made it under tree by the time I turned around. The tree is short, with low hanging branches, so I had to duck as I walked quickly after him. I cooed gentle coos to my sweet rodent, hoping he would hold still long enough for me to grab him.

I lunged.

Fatone jumped out of the way and curtailed in the opposite direction, running at a speed that a cheetah would envy. No, I'm serious. Apparently guinea pigs are the fastest creatures known to man, and they just don't get a chance to show you. But he was showing me now. I started to chase after him. He stuck to the side of the massive wooden fence that divides us from the neighbors. (They put it up shortly after they realized that we were a bad influence.) He was running so fast I had run full speed to keep up with him. His long fur trailed in the wind, and the fat on his stomach lurched up and down dramatically as he tried to run away from me. I think the fat did him in, because he stopped for no reason. I took this as an opportunity to run ahead of him where the fence ended. I head behind the blind corner of the fence and waited. I couldn't see where he was but I sensed him. And when I thought he was close I jumped out from behind my fence to ambush him.

ME: HA HA! (ESTHER lands on grass in front of FATONE. Her timing was off. ESTHER feels stupid. FATONE curtails again)

So now he runs back to the stupid tree. I jog after him, wounded, but calm because Fatone loves me and people who love each other are together forever. But he was gettin' awful close to our shed, which is propped above the ground. If he hid in it, he would never come out. I ran as fast as I could and put myself between him and the shed, but he ran behind it. I followed, and upon seeing that he was running for the road that parallels my front yard, I made a desperate leap for him. I've never, ever, leaped for anything in my life. It must have been my lack of practice, because I missed. My accuracy was so terrible, that I actually landed in a mud puddle that was full of decaying berries from that tree. I bruised my arm, and Fatone was still going strong. That pig never exercised before in his life, and still was running a marathon. I felt defeated.

Then I felt scared.

What if Fatone actually got away? What would I do if my beloved rodent left my life? In my burst of annewed terror, my adreniline must have gone sky high. I dashed after him, catching up quickly. Then I leaped one last time and...

I secured him in my grasp! Holding him close to my chest, I ran all the way to the cage, put him in, and then collapsed on the patio. (Ouch, by the way) It was over. My guinea pig was saved, I was exhausted, and the world was all right again. Fatone was fine, except for a broken toenail, which bled but wasn't too bad. I,  myself, was feeling a tad emotional about the whole ordeal.




And then I realized that my guinea pigs love me, that they will always love me unless they forget, and so I don't have anything to worry about. My sister says I've brainwashed myself, but come on. Love is an okay form of brainwashing, right? Not that I'm brainwashed. I'm just loved.

So I came inside, covered in mud and blood, my knee scraped, and myself being tired as could be. But things could have been worse. Fatone could have escaped, realized that he needed me (since he forgot), and then could not find his way home. So it turned out to be an okay deal. So, I guess there's a moral here:


GUINEA PIGS RUN FAST!

With love,

Esther

1 comment:

  1. Those are lovely drawings,Esther! And that pig totally doesn't look like an otter! Who said the pig looked like an otter anyway? I'm so glad you saved your beloved Fatone, I would miss him if he got away. You a good mommy to your pigs, Esther.

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