COMICZ!

It was a boring day in September and I was lying on my couch thinking of the little sad things in life. (I enjoy thinking of sad things.) I thought of many sad things. I thought of puppies with three legs and gnomes that had lost their pointy hats. I thought of little packages that have not been tied up with strings, and all the times a blind person loses his car keys. The thing that triggered today's blog post, however, is this:

Money.

Mmkay, so my family is not the poorest in the world. We get what we need, but we don't actually have cash for the extra things in life like net books and PS3s. (I want to play Final Fantasy Verses XIII, okay?) Before you think I am a newb, I am not a materialistic person. It would just be nice to have some extra dough in your pocket so you can do special things with your family. That's my reasoning anyway. So I decided to find some way to get money and fast. . .

Dog walking? All the dog's in my neighborhood are strays.
Cat bathing? Too lethal.
Blind person's key finder? Nah.
Cake baker? Too dishonest.

What, do you think I'm lazy? Well, I'm not!

Finally, it hit me. There IS a way to make money and fast! I was looking through the daily comic strips when it hit me: comic book strip writers make money for doing hardly anything at all! Look at Garfield, for instance. Those comics (while decent in the past) are quite useless now! They are about nothing! Sometimes they don't even have a punch line that makes sense, but the public eats it up for some reason. The Garfield Guy makes a lot of money from doing nothing, so what about me? I can be lazy and efficient.

I will be the best useless comic strip writer of all time.

I examined Garfield's selling formula and melted it down into several basic concepts. I deducted that there are three things about that comic strip that make it sell:

1. It has a cute animal starring in it.

2. Its simple-minded interface makes it accessible to people of any mental integrity.

3. The constant accidents that some main characters get into makes people happy, because people grow off of the mindless suffering of others!


If my comic strip had all of the above, I could get rich in no time, so I got off to work. Soon, I came up with this:




This is the perfect comic strip. It has all of the qualities a top selling comic strip should have. Note the cute flying pig appearing in two of the panels. He is my adorable mascot, and while he doesn't actually serve any purpose in the strip, he does attract the audience who has a soft spot for pigs and cute things.

Second, note the limited vocabulary of the stick figures. They talk simply, so people don't have to use their brain to figure out the strip.

Third, the characters have just had a horrible mishap, which is great because readers love that.


After a while, the readers will forget why they are reading my strip, but out of habit they keep reading it anyway. Using this to my advantage, I will slowly get rid of any of the good art I had in my older comics, and basically just have my stick figures stand around talking about something funny. So I'll do something like this:






Eventually, people won't even care if I have a punchline! Out of mind numbing habit, they won't even care if my comic has a shred of goodness in it. At this point, I will be a millionaire, and not caring what the public thinks, I will make comics like this:

I will be rich for sure, won't I? I better get started right away!

(EDIT: I submitted my comics to the daily newspaper. I was rejected.)