Petville and Farmville: The Addiction

(NOTE: Some of these sentences have been dramatized for your convenience.)**

For those that have a Facebook, and for those that even don't, I'm sure you've heard of the notorious Farmville and Petville applications. (Doodly doodly Petville!)These games have taken over Facebook land, making addiction certain to all that play it. Guilty as charged, I almost got addicted myself. I can recall worrying about how my crops were doing, or if my pet needed feeding. I remember the pain of constantly signing onto facebook, checking if my stupid corn plants were finally growing yet. After a few days, I got sick of Farmville. After about two weeks, Petville was getting to me as well. I decided I needed intervention.

I decided to cancel my application to both games, forever ending my "ville" career. However, doing so would prove harder than I could possibly imagine...

*FLASHBACK..BACK..BACK..Wooosh!*

I sit back in my chair, gazing critically at the computer screen. I watch as a large truck appears on the screen, and dumps a filthy little creature that is supposed to be my own on the floor.

"Uh oh," says the computer, "You forgot to feed your Pet and he ran away to the pound!"

"Well I was busy." I tell the computer, "Don't be so harsh with me."

I pay the fine for not taking care of him. The pet on my computer screen waves a filthy little fist at me. He walks over to his food dish and pauses to wave away some of the flies that are now circling his head. "Feed me." His blue eyes seem to say. But his eyes could have been red: his eyes were that blood shot. I give him a cookie and switch over to my next application, Famville. I wait for the screen to load and then look at it in horror. All of my plants are wilted and brown.

"Uh oh." says the computer, "You forgot to harvest your plants and now they are all dead!"

"Yeah, I see that with my own eyes. I was busy. Don't be so harsh with me." I answer. I plant some more seeds and lean back and wait. And then it occurs to me:

Why do I have to take care of these things, anyway? They take a lot of time and the berate you with guilt. Why do they have to order me around? I should be free. I want to be free! That's it.

I'm going to cancel the applications!

I decide to start with Farmville first, not wanting to deal with my sarcastic pet at the time. I go to my my account, click "application settings", and drag my cursor onto "cancel Farmville". I click my mouse. A small window pops up asking me if I really want to terminate my application. I click, "yes". Another window pops up and says,
"Do you REALLY want to terminate this application?"

"Yes, I believe I do." I click yes. Another window pops up.

"Are you REALLY REALLY sure you want to do this? I mean, if you do this you'll lose all of your hard earned money. Perhaps I should send intervention."

What? I click, "Yes, I want to do this." Another window appears. It says, "Intervention sent". I sigh with relief because I think the whole thing is over. Then a large poof of smoke appears on my left shoulder. I cough wave the cloud away, only to find that my hand touches something solid. Being the logical person I am, I scream. Out of the smoke cloud appears a small girl. She jumps off of my shoulder and onto my keyboard. I look at her. She looks exactly like my farmville avatar, except she had little angel wings. She hops onto my shoulder.

"Please don't cancel me. I'm your friend." She says.

"I'm sorry, but if I don't nix you then you will guilt my conscience forever."

"You've forgotten something."

"What is that?"

"I AM your conscience. The good side."

I can practically hear the dramatic music play in my head. I pick her up by the wings and set her on my desk. I continue to delete my account. She pulls on my ear. I cry out in pain.

"WHAT did you do that for? Say, where's my bad side?"

"He's on vacation. You can't delete me! Think of all that we've been through. The planting, the picking, the planting, the picking. And remember the time that we planted and picked in the same day? Don't do this to me!" She shouts.

"I'm sorry Good Side of My Conscience, but I have to do this." I move to click on the delete button. She stabs me in the thumb with a pitch fork.

"OH MY GOSH," I scream, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY GOOD SIDE."

She blows on her pitch fork.

"Sometimes there's a thin line between your good side, and your bad side. Don't push the button, Esther."

"How do you know my name?"

"...I LIVE IN YOUR BRAIN!"

"Well, that's too bad!" I say. I click my mouse.

"NOOOO!! You'll regret this Esther! You'll rue this day!" She screams.

"I don't see why, I just canceled the application." I say.

My good side disappears in a cloud of smoke. I sigh back and relax. I decide just to let my Petville pet starve, just in case I get on my bad side.


**-Okay, maybe a bit more than dramatized.

....Yeah. That's what happened. I'm serious. I'm just here to say that applications on facebook aren't all they are cut out to be. Maybe you agree with me.

A very HAIRY situation.

Heh, I made a pun.

And you will know why I made this pun when I tell you about the topic I chose to write about today. I bet you wouldn't guess it in a million years, but go ahead anyway.

Today I am writing about my hair! For all of you that guessed correctly, good job. For those that guessed, "anchovie", there is something wrong with you! *clap clap*

Anyway, I've decided to talk about my hair because I slightly upset with it. I am not hair style oriented. My sister took that gene. As a matter of fact, I am so bad at styling my own hair it must be a disorder or something. (You've probably noticed that i have a lot of those by now.)The only thing I can do is tie it back in a pony tail, and I can only do that 50 percent of the time. Kind of sad, right? This probably stems from the fact that I am lazy, or my lack of fashion sense. Either way, my hair will never look good unless it is extremely well brushed or tied back. No hats for me, no siree. My hair would just go, "zzzzzitc!" That's the sound of it frizzing.

So anyway, the real reason that I am writing this is because I'm thinking about getting a hair cut. I kind of want to cut my hair pretty short. It reaches about midway on my shoulder blades at the moment, and I want to make it shorter. The problem is, I've never really had my hair styled before so I am kind of nervous about it, if I go through with the plan. It's always been long and straight, so it would be a change whatever I do. What does the universe think? Well, until next time.

Villainy Week: Evil Relationships

You are evil. And you want somebody to share it with. I'm sure you've found that it is difficult to live life without somebody to loathe(see your nemesis), but now you want somebody to love. However, it is better to go without loving than living with it. More evil plans have been ruined by this horrible five letter word than any other. I advise you to always be extremely cautious when dealing with this emotion, because most of the time it will be the end of you. Do not look upon the hero's various lovers with envy. He does not have such a dark heart as yours. Of course, I am not telling you to throw your heart away, just to be extremely cautious.

First off, allow me to tell you the types of girls who are off limits. There are some people that are just not compatible with you, no matter what. First I will tell you what is off limits for MALE villains.

First off, we have the spunky princess. I know she's cute and "feisty", but that doesn't matter. She will never marry you. Ever. And if you ask her again she'll probably scream it. No, it is best not to go there. She is only a damsel in distress that will attract a hero to save her. And trust me, it's painful to watch the girl you love be carried away by in the muscular hero's arms, leaving you to wallow in the dirt.

Second, never attempt to date the hero's girlfriend. It is kind of odd that he always finds the girl that is extremely attractive, intelligent, and "feisty", but he also always finds the girls that hate you. If you somehow manage to capture the allusive girlfriend, throw her away. Do not tell her you will kill her boyfriend if she doesn't kiss you right then and there. This will result in the face slap. Also, don't try to kiss her in front of the hero. This is just an invitation for some major butt woopin'.

It is obvious that male villains suffer a lot, but female villains make wrong choices too. Here are some tips for female villains to save their hearts from being shattered.

First off, don't fall in love with the hero. I know that he's cute, but he's also a good person. Good and evil don't mix. While you may let him live after he is caught in your evil web, he won't return the favor. He will use you for his own game. If he already has a girlfriend, don't try to kill her. After all, jealousy won't win him over. Don't ever degrade yourself to wearing showy outfits and revealing dresses. He won't notice. In the event that he does claim he loves you as well, he's LYING. But this would be a good time to kiss him and get the whole thing over with. Then you can kill him and NOT feel bad about it.

Second, don't use your feminine wiles to get people to do things for you. It works on henchmen,(heck, it works on the hero)but you have to understand that it develops a fake relationship with you and what little friends you have. You are allowed to do it every now and then, just don't do it to the point where you come off as a floozy. You are not a floozy. You are a strong, beautiful person who doesn't need that bologna.

And there you have the cautions of romantic relationships. You will find that you will be checking here every now and then to remind yourself that love is never the answer. But it doesn't hurt to go out and date every now and then, just don't get too attached. Until next time.

Villainy Week: Tips

Congratulations! You have been doing quite well with your evil studies. I almost feel confident enough to let you go and rule the world, but there are some things you must know. Every villain makes mistakes, but you shouldn't be one of them. I have written out the most common mistakes that villains make, and how to avoid them. You may have heard of some of these failures before and shook you head about how stupid they were. But you still need to know them for future reference. Here are the mistakes all rookie villains make:

The Mistake: Not installing a proper air-vent security system.

Why this is bad: Out of all the paths to your evil inner sanctum, the hero will ultimately choose the air-vent system. Why? We have no idea. Perhaps they like to crawl around like little rodents through endless tunnels. However, if they DO choose this path to get to you, the most likely will. The air-vent can be your biggest security opening. This can also apply to to your sewage system.

How to fix: Place motion sensors at every length of the air duct. Do not get cheap with this and only place one or two. Place cameras inside as well, if you can. Try to keep your evil base at a toasty 90 degrees, to discourage any crawling through the vents.
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The Mistake: Hiring incompetent henchmen.

Why this is bad: Henchman that don't get the job done are one of the keys to your undoing.

How to fix: The best cure is prevention. Interview all of your henchman applicants personally. Make sure they are not too stupid, but not too dumb. Their best quality should be breaking things. Make sure they understand that they should attack the hero at every turn. If you have captured a hero and are keeping him/her in the dungeon, make sure that you don't pick a henchman of the opposite sex of him or her. Heroes are surprisingly good at seducing and will without fail manage to get the guard to open the gate for him or her.

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The Mistake: Not wiring your bomb properly.

Why this is bad: Heroes are so good at defusing bombs it's almost scary. They will always pick the right wire to cut and therefore ruin your evil plans in one swipe. This will cost you a lot of money in the long run. It makes it even more annoying that they always defuse it when the timer hits 00:01.

How to fix: To insure that your bomb will trigger an earth quake and make California fall into the ocean, you must make it impossible to defuse. First off, make sure that none of your wires are blue or red. The heroes always pick those to cut. Keep the bomb sealed and guarded by red-shirted henchmen. (Because they are expendable)Also, for a fun twist, make the bomb go off when the timer hits twenty seconds. This way, the hero will think he is safe and take his time defusing, only to realize that he has just blown up.

____________________

The mistake: Making alliances with the hero's side kick/love interest.

Why this is bad: Good grief man! Never associate with the side of good. Especially side kicks and love interests. Unlike the hero, they are not afraid to lie and trick you into submission. Be extra cautious if they suggest an alliance themselves.

The solution: If a side kick ever comes up and pops the question, pop him in the head with a pistol. Better safe than sorry I always say.

______________________

The mistake: Not listening when the hero shouts, "DUCK!"

Why this is bad: If you are ever on a moving platform or some precarious place, and the hero suddenly ducks his head down, do the same. Please don't think the hero is trying to trick you, because he never is when it comes to this. He is simply trying to avoid the giant rock/smasher/robot fist that is heading to his face.

How to fix: Duck. And while the hero is ducking, kick him in the face.

__________________________

And there you have it. These are important reminders and you should always keep them in mind.

Villainy Week: Your Nemesis

You have the looks, you have the guts, you have the laugh. You feel like you have everything you need to get started in villainy, right?

WRONG!

You need a nemesis. An arch rival, if you will. You need somebody who will try to foil your attempts at any second you try to do something evil. This may sound like a burden to your evilness, but you would be wrong again. Having a nemesis makes you try harder with evil. Your nemesis makes you rethink things you would never considered. And it isn't a danger to have a nemesis because remember:

Evil always wins.

Of course your nemesis can't be any one guy you find off the street. You have to consider who you want. And he/she has to be your enemy for PRACTICAL reasons. For example, if your nemesis(lets call him Clark) accidentally spilled chemicals on you that made your hair fall out, you shouldn't make him your enemy. Rather, you should accept your new hair do and smite the guy right there. He's too clumsy for you, anyway. However, if the guy has foiled your villainous attempts in the past or bullied you, crippled you, or threw you into a vat of toxic waste, you should be angry. If your nemesis applicant has done any of these things, you should consider him seriously. If no one has, try to use your common sense to find one. Ask yourself these questions:

-Is he smart enough to ALMOST foil my plans?

-Do the babes love him more than you, even though you are obviously cooler?

-HAS he thrown you into a vat of toxic waste/power cables/ nuclear irradiation test site full of sand?

-Has he ever heard your evil laugh?

-Does he have a shady past which you so happened to affect? (Killing his parents could do it)

-Are the people that hang around him obviously lower in class than he is, but stick with him for the sake of being comedic relief?

These are the questions your should ask yourself. If he or she applies to two of these, you should pick him or her as your nemesis. Try not to pick a nemesis of the opposite sex of you, it leads to too much trouble.

Now that you know that he/she is good enough, how do you challenge her/him to be your nemesis? It's simple, really. Just walk up to him/her and say:

"YOU THERE! You have annoyed me to an unbelievable extent and I wish to destroy you. However, because I hate you so much, I do not wish to do it slowly. Rather, I have decided to make you fall victim to life threatening traps that may or may not be lethal. I will take away those that you love and protect. If you wish to stop me, just try loser!" (insert evil laugh)

If he or she punches you in the face, you have a nemesis! Congrats! You now have everything you need to start with your villainy. Until next time.

Villains Week: Your evil laugh

So you have finally taken the first steps to evildom. But you know what? You still have a long way to go. How are you going to walk around destroying things if no body takes you seriously? This is why you need an evil laugh. Your evil laugh is what makes you who you are. It is the thing that sends chills down any human's spine. Without it, you are nothing. You should think of your evil laugh as your right hand man. After all, it cheers you up, gives you confidence, and is just slightly less cool than you are. It is the perfect companion. But now you may be thinking, "how in the world do I find MY laugh?". Well this is the place to go, my monster in training. I will teach you how to find your laugh in a few easy steps. Just follow them.

STEP ONE: You must first pick the beginning of your laugh. The beginning of your laugh cannot be more than three syllables long. It must end with a vowel that has a short sound, like "Ah." It must start with a hard consonant and be memorable. It is not recommended that you go with the generic, "myha, or HA", because we have heard them all before. Here is some choices for you: Gyah, Google, kyah, Foo, and Wizaha.
Note how most of these end with the, "Ah" sound. This is because it is easy for you to go to the next step.

STEP TWO: Now that you have found your beginning, you must have the middle. The middle of a laugh is a repeated sound that goes on for about three times before ceasing. It should be one syllable. Sounds like, AH, LA, GOO, HEE, and KEH, are good choices. After shouting the first part of your laugh, say your second until you run out of oxygen or feel pleased with yourself.

STEP THREE: You can add an end as well. This is optional. All you have to do is end your laugh with a hard sound like K, or M.

STEP FOUR: Pronunciation. Take a deep breath. You are ready for this. You have chosen all of your components. If you have not, do so now. I will wait...

...Okay now? Here we go. Inhale, if you can, relax your throat muscles for maximum evilness. Now gurgle out the first part of your laugh slowly, like this: MYHAA...
Now add the second part rapidly and efficiently: HAHAHAHAHA! Now end it with your ending, or just stop whenever you feel like it. Are you ready for the test run. Go and laugh!

Good job! I'm so proud of you! You have discovered your inner laugh. But be warned, don't use the laugh too much or you will succumb to a very deadly disease. It is called evillaughiadosis, and it is lethal. It comes from frequently laughing. Eventually, the evilness and lack of oxygen gets to your brain, and it shuts down. If you don't know, if your brain can't breathe it dies, so be careful about this. But don't get too worried about it. You will do fine. Until next time.

It's Lucky Charm day-I mean Saint Patrick's Day!

Hey guys! I just thought I would interrupt Villainy Week for a very special update!
It's Injure Someone If They're Not Wearing Green Day!

Erm, I mean it's Saint Patrick's Day!

Because it's such a special day, I've ordered Pierre Le Pickell, our young green friend, to celebrate too.

PIERRE: MEH HAT ITCHES!

Oh Pierre, such a whiner. That's not how you get a pay raise you know! Love the pot of gold, by the way.

PIERRE: RAWR!

Well anyway, we all know the history of Saint Patrick's. Actually, many don't but that isn't what the holiday is about. It's about wounding whoever isn't wearing green! I love it, don't you? I'm not too concerned about it though, so I am wearing all blue today. Blue shirt, blue jeans, blue hair, the works. I'm may be actually fearful of the fact that I have choir today though. I hope I don't get attacked by green-loving monkeys that hate my guts. Today is also special because this is the first of many holidays that will be celebrated by A Very Random Pickle. Basically, I'm just celebrating by having a bowl of Lucky Charms, but I'm having fun, aren't you? Now that it is time to sign off, remember to always follow that rainbow, eat lots of Lucky Charms, and shampoo as many guinea pigs as you can. Until next time folks!

Villainy Week: How to BE evil.

So you have finally decided that you want to be evil. Have you become fed up with work at the office? Have you decided that you are too good for anyone else? Or are you just plain mean to start with and you don't know what to do with yourself? Whatever your answer, you have come to the right place. You may think you're evil now, but you would be surprised on what it takes. You can't just walk outside and declare your evilness to the world-oh no. You have to have guts, determination, and a good sense of style. (All villains must dress better than the heroes, of course)And to start it off, you must first know the Rules of Evil. If you don't follow these, how can you expect to rule the world with an iron fist?

RULE NUMBER ONE: I am evil, therefore I am not nice. If anyone says otherwise, I will slap them.

RULE NUMBER TWO: I am witty and clever. I shall always have to make witty lines ahead of time and categorize them to various situations, that way I will always have something clever to say when I manage to capture my nemesis.

RULE NUMBER THREE: I am well dressed. Just because the hero walks in shirtless with his hair mussed and a lipstick mark on his cheek doesn't mean I have to do the same. After all, I am not perfectly shaped like he is and I don't have washboard abs to show off. I will wear modest and preferably black clothing. If I am female, leather would be more applicable.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: I am smarter than anyone else. I shall make my plans inexplicably complicated and intelligent. I will not fall to the level of just shooting someone if I can kill him with a much more complicated method. If I encounter someone whom I wish to destroy, I shall tell him my magnificent plan. If he doesn't understand it, it's not because I don't understand the plan myself, it's just because he's never heard of Yoogoplutonium before. After all, I don't make things up, I'm just too smart for you.

RULE NUMBER FIVE: Since I will have followers, I will select a few to be my minions. They must be dumber than I am, but not irrevocably stupid. They must wear black, as it is a symbol of my evil, and it would be preferred if I don't have to know their names. I shall just call them all, "Minion".

RULE NUMBER SIX: I have a good sense of humor. Just because my nemesis hates my guts and frowns all the time doesn't mean I have to frown too. I shall always have an evil grin on my face and sadistically laugh every time the hero does something stupid. My laugh shall be menacing and scary, and scare the living heck out of anyone that gets in my path. If the roll their eyes every time I laugh, it is not because they are tired of it, it's because they hate it so much they wish I would stop. So I will laugh some more.

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And so there is the introduction to evil. If you ever feel lost it would be best to look back here and read to show what evil is all about. Just by being evil, you are smarter and better than anyone else around you, so feel free to do whatever you want. Until next installment of Villainy Week

How to be a Villain week: Intro

Hello there blogging fans!

Here at A Very Random Pickle I thought I would like to have some fun. So I have decided to dedicate an entire week to a very special topic I love: The art of VILLAINY!

(Cue evil music)

Heroes aside, there is always room for a good villain in books, movies, radio, cereal boxes, you name it. However there is a stunning lack of GOOD villains. (Especially cereal box ones) The media has been overwhelmed by villains with lame names and dumb evil laughs. So I've decided to write a small blog series on how to be a villain.

You can take my words to heart. I have a lot of experience when it comes to evil. Sometimes, I.Sometimes.Don't.Even.Wash.My.Hands.After.Eating. I saw you shudder just now. Don't try to hide it. So if you are considering being evil, or are evil already and just don't know what to do with yourself, check out this blog over the week for hints and tips for being evil. I'm sure you'll thank me. But you shouldn't really because that would mean you aren't a villain. I recommend just slapping me across the face. But you can't find me because you don't know where I live.

GLOOGLESHRMIRTZ SHRMIRTZ SHRMIRTZ!! (That was my evil laugh. Evil laughs will be mentioned also in this blog)

Are you looking forward to it? Until next time.

You know what I don't like?

Day light savings time. I'm not one to rant about the uselessness of certain inventions, but whenever it's time to set the clock forward one hour I think, "Why?" You know what's lame?

The self-twirling spaghetti fork.

You know what's lamer?

Day light savings time.

I'm sure many people don't get to their jobs on time once every year because they forgot to set their clock forward an hour. I'm sure it will happen to me too, eventually. You know, when I start to rule the world. As you may know, today in Terre Haute Indiana, the uselessness has begun. And that, my friends, is why I am angry. It's difficult to imagine why day light savings time was initiated a few years ago here, but I think it was a very drunken decision on the governments part. My daddy says it was put into place by aristocrats that wanted more day light to play golf. I personally think it is a plan to mess everybody up because our country has a bad sense of humor. I could use Spongebob Squarepants as an extra example here, but I think you know what I mean. I woke up at my usual hour today, only to forget that it was day light savings time. I lost an hour. Good thing it was a weekend. Point said, day light savings stinks. If you agree with me, you should say so. And now I have ranted. Until next time.

The Game of the Century!

At gym today my friends and my family invented something. We were playing with a basketball and a football, not being able to decide which sport to play. People were running everywhere just trying to catch or avoid the balls that were flying towards their heads. Then it happened. Some genius threw the football into the basketball net! And then the new sport was invented. It was...it was...

BASKET-FOOT!

I swear, it's the sport of the century. All you need is a basketball, a football,a basketball net, and a few fun,(yet indecisive), people. Here is how you play basket-foot:

STEP 1: Pick up a basketball.

STEP 2: Throw the basketball at an unarmed person. Make sure they don't know you are throwing the ball at them. This is essential.

STEP 3: Wait for the person to get thwacked. When they are thwacked, turn around 180 degrees and catch the football that is inevitably being thrown at your back.

STEP 4: Throw the football at another person who doesn't know they are playing catch with you. Then catch the basketball that is being thrown in response at your back.

STEP 5: Repeat until somebody breaks out of the cycle and manages to get a ball into the net.

The more people you have throwing balls at each other, the more fun the game gets! Remember to throw the football in the net every time you catch it to get as many goals as possible. And don't forget, violence is fun!
If you haven't guessed already, this game was invented by people who didn't know if they were catching a football or a basketball. So basically they were running around trying to catch everything that was thrown at them. I think this is the game of the century because the rules are so flexible. I mean, if you don't want to get thwacked with a football, you can always get thwacked with a basketball! The world is full of possibilities, is it not? I'm sure the jocks of the world are crying with appreciation right now. Well, until next time folks.

The Geeking: Final Fantasy XIII

Those that know me know that I am a video game fan. For those that I don't, you've just learned something new. Yay! I am particularly fond of platformers, puzzlers, and RPGs. Although with the discovery of Borderlands I'm starting to like the FPS. (Borderlands is ALSO an RPG. Best of both worlds.) However, there is a certain type of RPG that has always struck my geeky fancies.

That of course, would be the Final Fantasy series.

Final Fantasy can safely be the be the first game that got me into gaming. It is sentimentally my favorite game and it is one of the best period in my opinion. Sure, the characters dress a little funny, but it's all about the story for me, and the stories are great. There are twelve installments in the series, all unrelated. And guess what? No really, guess.

The thirteenth installment is coming out tomorrow!

I'm so excited. Usually, my family waits until the game is out for a bit before purchasing, but we are planning to get it tomorrow. The gamer in me is sighing right now.

The Gamer Inside Me: Siiiiiiiiigh....

See? Only a few more measly hours to go, and then it will be released. And it will be MINE. Hahahaha. I'll let you know how it turns out. Maybe I'll even give you a review. Unfortunately the game is over 40 hours long so it will take me a few weeks to finish. Yuh oh. But I will let you know how good it is. Until next time folks.

Life is a musical, is it not?

Have you ever felt emotion bubbling up inside of you, waiting for a chance to burst forth? Have you ever stared at a plate of beans, thinking, "Hey, I don't want to eat this plate of beans."? Have you felt so much strength to this sudden realization that you wanted to declare it to the world, shout it from the rooftops, maybe even...

Burst into song?

In my home this happens all of the time. Myself and my mother being the main culprits. If there is something we don't like, or feel passionately about, then we sing about it. Enough said. We don't care if the song that we concoct is horribly obnoxious or out of tune. If we want to, we sing about it. Of course, this may get a little annoying at one point or another, but does it really matter? If you want to sing, you should sing right? If you think that the taxes are too high, you should sing about taxes. If you think that your spouse should cook dinner tonight instead of you, you should sing about that as well. If the house is a mess and you don't want to clean it, you should waste all of your energy singing about it so you don't have to do it now. If you think monkeys are really cute, well you get the idea.
I have a stunning suspicion that my singing gets old though. But I can't can't help myself. It's in my blood. One of my ancestors must have been a singing chinchilla. As a point and case:

MY DAD: Hey, it's raining outside.

ME: It's raining! It's pouring! Just the sound covers up my mother snoring! Ooooh..

MOTHER: ESTHER!

ACT I, SCENE II

PERSON OFF THE STREET: Hey, I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back.

ME: (Pops up from behind bushes) You have to use the bathroom! You have to do it soon! You can't wait any longer! So don't wet your pants like a buffoon! Ooooh.

(PERSON OFF THE STREET draws concealed weapon.)

Uh, yeah....You get the idea.

But remember this folks. Always sing your heart out. Don't let your heart wither and die from a lack of musical enrichment. Even if it feels silly, you'll always know it was the right thing to do in the end. Well, until next time.

I would not do well if I worked at a lost and found.

I have lost my hairbrush for the seventh time this week(one loss for each day). Want to guess where I found it? In the place where it is always supposed to be: the bathroom. The real problem is not WHERE I found it, but HOW I found it. I had looked in the bathroom for my hairbrush around five times, and I never saw it. So when my younger sister finds me looking under the kitchen table for my hairbrush, she asks me,
"What are you doing?"

And I would respond, "Looking for my hairbrush."

And then she would exclaim how incompetent I was and walk into the bathroom. Less then five seconds later she exits the bathroom holding my hair brush, an angry look on her face.

"My hair brush!' I would say, "Wherever did you find it?"

"In the bathroom, where it was supposed to be. You have a disorder, Esther." my sister would always say.

My sister and I go through this skit every single day. I can't find something, and she finds it in the most obvious place possible. She is right. I DO have a disorder. I have twenty twenty vision, but I can't find anything that is in front of my face. If we were standing in front of Mount Rushmore, and my mother asked me to point out the face of president Washington, I would probably turn around and gaze into the nearest tree in search of it. All the while good ole George is shaking his giant benevolent stone head at me. It's that bad sometimes, I swear. My parents are getting tired of it, but I can't help myself. I try to blame it on First Child Syndrome(FCS).
FCS is suffered by many first born children. Because we were born first and therefore got a lot of attention from our parents, we always relied on our parents to get things FOR us. But when we enter teenager years, the reliance on our parents to always find things for us is a thing of the past, and we have to find things ourselves. It usually doesn't work out well. I am worse than others, I'm afraid. On the FCS scale, which measures the extremeness of symptoms, I am a 4.5, where the average child is around a 2.0. (this is a scale of one to five.)
So I blame it on my "syndrome", but it's still getting a little old. I only hope that I cut out of the phase soon, less I find myself unable to find the girls bathroom and thereby sneak into the boys one. (With my luck the girl's was right next to the boy's) Wish me luck. Until next time.

I am a true art-ist. (Don't listen to my sister.)

Artistic creativity runs through my family veins like molasses. That is, it takes forever for the artistic gene to actually reach one of my family members. The artist gene has reached my sister, who is currently an a amateur Japanese Comic artist (or manga). She's pretty good, and she is getting better every day. That's when I figured about last week, Why, I can be an artist too!
So I took out a piece of paper, grabbed a snazzy pencil, and got to work. Approximately thirty seconds later, I had completed my masterpiece. Not only am I talented, I also work fast! My mommy would be so proud. I gazed lovingly at my art. It was the first art I had ever made. I had drawn a little person. Sure, she didn't technically have legs, but true art doesn't need valuable appendages. She also was missing an eyebrow, and her hands were little spheres. I thought my first art looked like a masterpiece, so I decided to show my father. I walked up to him.
"Hey daddy, I made my first art today. Would you like to see it?" I asked him. I lifted up my art to his face.

"Oh sure honey, let me look at it-OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?! IT'S LIKE A GIANT AMORPHOUS BLOB HAD KIDS WITH GEORGE BUSH AND THE KIDS SET ON FIRE AND GOT THEIR LEGS CHOPPED OFF BY A SEA TURTLE! AAAAH!" My father exclaimed.

"So you like it?" I said.

He certainly looked pleased. He was now laying on the floor, his mouth foaming with joy and his body rollicking with jerky spasms of glee. He fainted. The beauty that was my art was too much for him. It's a shame, really. I showed the art to the other members of my household. They all had the same reaction, except for my cat, Tifa, who just attacked my face like usual. My first art had the same effect as Medusa, except instead of turning into stone, the people that gazed at my picture just fainted with joy. I'm feeling very proud of myself. I put my first art on the refrigerator so my family could see it everyday.

I've noticed that a lot of my family members have lost weight.

Well, I shall keep working on my abilities until I am as good as my sister. Until next time.

I speak a language!

I have mentioned before that I have guinea pigs. Their names are Helen, Bedhead, and Fatone. I love them so! They are cute, sweet, and intelligent. However all of them do have a horrible flaw, and because of it I now speak a new language. Every time somebody walks past them they do this:

"WHEeEeEeEEEEeK! WHEeeeK! WHEEk!"

It was cute at first, because it was the sound they used to say they were hungry. But they must be hungry all of the time because they won't. stop. WHEEKING. Eventually I started paying attention to what they were saying, and before I knew it I spoke a new language.

It isn't French.

It isn't German.

Yes, I speak Guinea Pig.

Fluently.

You may think that this is a totally lame language, but I am endorsing it here. It has a long history you know. It dates all the way back to the Incas, when they were raised for food. It was during this time that they developed their intense and complicated language, and I am here to teach you a few things. Here are some direct translations for Guinea Pig:

Guinea pig word: WHEEEK!

Translation: I want FOOD!

Guinea pig word: WHEEEK!

Translation: Who is that guy? Does he have FOOD?

Guinea pig word: WHEEEK!

Translation: Buzz off man. I'm eating FOOD!

Guinea pig phrase: WHEEEK! WHEEEK! WHEEEK!

Translation: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!

And there you have it! A basic introduction to the guinea pig language! And I made it just for you. The phrases above should be enough for you to have a insightful conversation with your guinea pig. If you don't have a pig, however, I suggest you go off to the pet store and talk to the guinea pigs there. If the staff at the store is giving you weird looks, (Happens to me all the time), they are just shocked with how good your use of the guinea pig language is. Good luck and have fun folks! Until next time.

Pirates vs Ninjas: The TRUE Observation.

The battle has gone on for quite some time. Although they are nothing alike, have different social values, and have extreme hygienic differences, the war between pirates and ninjas still roars on. The debate between who is better has lived on the internet for years now, and it's still going strong. I personally haven't really taken sides because I think each has their strong points. I prefer pirates in the television media, but I am sure the ninjas in the world of television have a lot of followers as well. (Yes, I am pointing to you Naruto.) But anyway, who do YOU think is better? If you chosen not to decide like me, or are just not sure who to side with, I have created a list of pros and cons to help you choose. I discovered it a while back in the back of my creative writing stack, and I thought, hey, why not? I have edited it a little, to make it less biased. (The con list for pirates was rather huge, not to say I hate them) But here you go.

PIRATES VS NINJAS: THE TRUE UNBIASED OBSERVATION

Pirate Pros:
1. They are very familiar to the ocean, and thereby considerably adept at sea warfare.
2. The more limbs that get hacked/blown off, the more deadly they become via prosthetic limbs with sharp pointy objects.
3. They are not above stabbing anything that gets in their way. In fact, they prefer to.
4. They are cheap to recruit.
5. They are used to common diseases like scurvy.
6. They won't take it if you're mean to their momma.

Pirate cons:
1. They get drunk a lot.
2. They simply cannot resist the wenches.
3. After they get drunk, they get drunk some more.
4. They usually can't swim, so you could just push them into the ocean and watch them die.
5. They aren't smart, really.

And now for the ninjas:

Ninja pros:
1. They are well trained and in excellent physical condition.
2. They usually have a weapon proficiency which gives them the upper hand against incompetent opponents.
3. They are patient. Remember, they can always hide under your koi pond and wait for you to walk by and the proceed to shoot you with a blow dart.
4. They don't get drunk!
5. They plan ahead.

Ninja cons:
1. They obey whoever they work for
2. They aren't allowed to speak up. (Unless you are the orange jumpsuit wearing kind)
. .....
Huh, I can't think of anything else.

Who do you think will win? Your opinions are welcome here. Till next time.

Flying Projectiles: Or, Why You Should Always Wear a Football Helmet

Every Friday, I attend a homeschool gathering at my community gymnasium. We talk, play games, and have an overall good time. There is only one thing that I would rather not have in my weekly outings:

And that would be flying spherical objects slamming into my face.

Hey, I like playing catch as much as the next guy. I'm pretty decent at it, too. I have good hand eye coordination if I do say so myself. The only problem is when I am NOT looking at the ball. That's when it gets the best of me.

I'm talking to my friends.

Thwack! My head is hit.

I am eating fruit snacks because I'm hungry.

Thwack! My head is slammed.

I am running around in circles.

Thwack! The ball will always find me even if I am moving target. The balls actually like it when I am moving because they like the challenge.

Because of the constant thwacking I have resigned myself to consider wearing a football helmet whenever I am around somebody playing catch. This way I will always be protected and I will also be stylish at the same time. Unfortunately, it would also hinder my peripheral vision so I would only be able to see a ball coming if it was in front of me. So the balls will probably just take advantage of this and aim for the small of my back.
Oh well. I think I can take the occasional smack from a ball as long as I am having fun each Friday. I guess I should just stay out of the "Ball Zone" when I am not paying attention to what is going on. I just hope that this little streak of mine with vanish before I get a concussion. Until next time.

Hello, my name is Pierre le Pickell

Greetings! You might be wondering why a giant pickle is at the top of the screen staring you down. Well, I figured that every good blog needs a mascot, someone that symbolizes what a blog is all about. After going through several applicants, (a giant spoon, a giant tomato, and a giant squash), I picked the pickle above to represent me. His name is Pierre le Pickell, the French pickle from Sweden! Say hello Pierre!

PIERRE: RAWR!

What a good sport! See, I chose Pierre because of his extreme personality. He is always ready to go and represent the world of A Very Random Pickle. Good job Pierre!

PIERRE: RAWR!

Oh that Pierre, always a worry wart. That may be because he is covered in them though. I also chose him because he is incredibly intelligent. He is a wonderful mathematician, aren't you Pierre. What's thirty plus eight, Pierre?

PIERRE: RAWR!

Thirty eight! That's right Pierre! Good job. I hope you grow attached to his lovable and extreme personality too. Any closing words to say to our audience, Pierre?

PIERRE: RAWR!

Thanks a ton Pierre. Until next time.